Probably the things i hate the most, will keep hating the most, will want to stop crying about it but cannot; is the fact that i have come to no value amongst my peers. never seen my competency in dealing with stuff im good at, because i choose, to rather shut the fuck up in front of them. why? because they never see my value from the beginning. i shudnt put my value based on peoples judgement whom most of the time are superficial. i know that.
but i kenot deny how i feel devalued, demoralised, having to be with people who dont appreciate my being as itself. I kenot be true to myself most of time, because not wanting to appear weak or getting into the streotyping of "baik" again ive to put a coldhearted act of "coolness", "lackadaisical","chillax".. when all i do is lying to myself, lying to them, lying to god. but who the hell want to look pious and naive. who the hell want that in the place where innocent means u r not brave enuf to explore new things.
i am in torment. in agony into thinking why, how did i end up here. was it a wrong choice. i hate um as much as i like it for teaching me to suck up, toughen up and get rough. but all in all what i like about um is also what i hate about it. but if um doesnt have to come at the first place, maybe ill be more glad.
i hate the fact that very common i would be thinking of the dreams i wish i could have, of the person i wish i could have been because i have worked hard enuf for it. but rarely, as im not good at putting myself up, rarely i am seen. maybe its true what they say. i am a soft squid. too fluid to live in this grounded world.
i am lost. but often i would say to myself its okay because everyone does not know much about future and things around them too but they live with it just fine. my frens said that to me as if they know how lost i am. I dont know what to do, what to do think of, whom to go to. i feel like i have come to a jalan mati. theres maybe a way to turn back. but like i said, i dont know how and where..
they said i am having highachiever syndrome. hell yea iam probably. but i dont know much about tht syndrome and it doesnt matter also if i have that syndrome or not because all i know is that i am lost here. that everyday when i woke up, i tell myself not think much of it, just live everyday as a day. and tomorrow another day, and another day. and true, i wake up nowadays with less carrying burden in the mind, but i live the burden of heart of not knowing what i want in life, as much as i dont know what is there in life it could offer me.
i am that fish in the river. with not broken fins, not a broken tail. but with a broken instinct. i dont know where to navigate. i follow.. where the water flows. it brings me everywhere i used to not want to go so much.