Thursday, 31 March 2016

i never heard such innocence
i never heard such stories, babe
so tell me what am i.
Where time you see people in desperado
you see how they give it all of their selves
its not givin in, not is this givin up

it is just too much love, overflowing from their lil heart.

it hurts to see that much big of a feeling

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

You have never lost yourself,
It has always been there.
You are talking about 21 years of life you have been building
all the characters,
all the tots and thinkings,
They couldnt have vanished just like that to 3-years of heart-torment
Its all your hardwork and blessing, we are talking about.

Monday, 28 March 2016

i didnt know that dreams can be built so similar, that it resembles you.

Sunday, 27 March 2016

i told you that i am a rough lover
but u dont want to go away
and when we stuck here in the matrix
we have no where to go but us
she was a tiger
a fierce fighter,
incredibly driven
the raw soul,
now remain flaccid
with not spirit and purpose.

haul a life, haul.

talking about moral conscience,
i will be ashamed of myself
of me who draw herself out from the ring she used to believe in
what are you, when you cannot be yourself.
what are you, when you are so afraid
what are you, when you dont stand for yourself

Saturday, 19 March 2016

some day when i have a child to teach to, i want to teach them how to be strong and compassionate. because often strong people neglect those below them, while compassionate people didnt learn to be defend their self so worthy

Sunday, 13 March 2016

#45

Life some many months ago was somber. I couldnt help wanting to listen to goyte songs to satisfy my grieving soul. I dont specifically know what i was grieving about, because every time would be of different things. the background problem was mainly about losing the opportunity i once really want. Especially, it is because i dont know whats other alternative i favour. especially i tot what i want was what i really wanted in life.

But thru this many journey have i learn compassion and empathy, not to say that i have become a completely compassionate woman, only better than what i was. i have to say that i was a judgemental-freak and a bigot, not to blame religious rhetoric but i do feel religious preach should be more thoughtful, considerate and of more righteous knowledge.

My conflict was having a clash of two powerful culture in my thought. Islamic civilization in itself has not a range of horizontal spectrum, but because of the many factor the ranges could have been better said as a circle of spectra that comprises mny issues. From its traditionalism, conservatives, liberal, secularism, spiritual aspect, and so on, of that I didnt know to mention. Modern world, in the other hand, evolved into its complicated machinery and globalisation has made everything merged together whenever possible, and clash of values among modern and local or traditional value have not been any more common than now.

3 years of this journey, i have been seeking my way back to some normal, stable mind and thoughts. And today couldnt have been a better day to say that my comeback recently has been the best compared to previous many try-outs. Especially true when you hve the best people around.

Despite that, I know I could not settle my mind down as of now, since my journey is still on going. More roads to be taken, more brave steps to embrace, more people to meet, more ideas to go through, more hardwork to be worked out, more love to give. More God in life.

Im grateful to God, for the opportunity.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

#4

Mendefinisikan kehidupan inilah yang payah. terutama jika orang seperti aku yang menyerap cara fikir orang. sedangkan aku sendiri sepatutnya lebih tahu untuk mengikuti kencenderungan diri.

Saya penat mencari makna diri, kerana sebenar-benarnya, "myself" telah wujud kesekian lama tetapi keinginan untuk bersebati dengn masyarakat menjadikan saya untuk terus mengubah diri menjadi sesuatu yang tidak begitu bermakna.

Cukuplah keserabutan sehingga kali ini. Kerana aku ingin berdamai dengan tuhan, dengan diri, dengan alam. bahawa aku kali ini perlu mengakui bahawa aku dan alam dan makhluk2 lain tidak mampu sebati secara zatnya, hanya mampu untuk saling memahami. inilah kelemahan makhluk, inilah kelemahan aku,

bahawa kali ini, meskipun aku benci sekali kepada retorika agama yang banyak dicanang-canang orang agama tanpa banyak fikir, retorika ini jugalah sebahagiannya amatlah benar bertepatan sekali dengan prinsip agama dan rasul. bahawa jika sebiji pisangnya rosak, tidaklah setandannya buruk sekali.

bahawa, sekalipun aku dengan keegoaan aku sebagai manusia, yang tidak suka pengulang-ulangan ayat yang sama, tidak menarik, tidak beridea baru kata nafsu mudaku; nilai2 itulah yang telah lama dibawa moyang2, musafir2, orang2 dagang turun termurun untuk mensejahterakan masyarakat alam.

bahawa walaupun aku rimas sekali dengan peraturan, displinlah yang telah membentuk jiwa manusia yang murni dan mulia

bahawa walaupun aku amatlah mencintai kejayaan dan idea2 kejayaan; namun kejayaan menjadi manusia yang paling teratas, tertinggi bukanlah cita2 yang paling mulia, bukan juga cita2 yang mampu dicapai semua kerana pemilikan yang lebih bermakna dalam hidup bukanlah kejayaan tetapi kebahagiaan. bahawa kadangkala aku harus terima bahawa aku tidak akan terus berjaya sepanjang masa.

bahawa harus aku beritahu kepada ngkau aku ini terlalu banyak angan2nya, terlalu banyak keinginan. bahawa kau harus beritahu aku untuk tidak tamak, kerana tamak mampu menjayakan si dia orang sana, tetapi ketamakan tidak nampak seperti mampu menjayakan, membahagiaankan aku. bahawa aku perlu terus tenang dengan kehidupan, dengan diri, dengan alam, dengan tuhan.

bahawa meskipun aku tenang, aku raksa wanita yang akan tetap menyalakan obor jiwa mudanya!

Monday, 7 March 2016

#3note

Probably the things i hate the most, will keep hating the most, will want to stop crying about it but cannot; is the fact that i have come to no value amongst my peers. never seen my competency in dealing with stuff im good at, because i choose, to rather shut the fuck up in front of them. why? because they never see my value from the beginning. i shudnt put my value based on peoples judgement whom most of the time are superficial. i know that.

but i kenot deny how i feel devalued, demoralised, having to be with people who dont appreciate my being as itself. I kenot be true to myself most of time, because not wanting to appear weak or getting into the streotyping of "baik" again ive to put a coldhearted act of "coolness", "lackadaisical","chillax".. when all i do is lying to myself, lying to them, lying to god. but who the hell want to look pious and naive. who the hell want that in the place where innocent means u r not brave enuf to explore new things.

i am in torment. in agony into thinking why, how did i end up here. was it a wrong choice. i hate um as much as i like it for teaching me to suck up, toughen up and get rough. but all in all what i like about um is also what i hate about it. but if um doesnt have to come at the first place, maybe ill be more glad.

i hate the fact that very common i would be thinking of the dreams i wish i could have, of the person i wish i could have been because i have worked hard enuf for it. but rarely, as im not good at putting myself up, rarely i am seen. maybe its true what they say. i am a soft squid. too fluid to live in this grounded world.

i am lost. but often i would say to myself its okay because everyone does not know much about future and things around them too but they live with it just fine. my frens said that to me as if they know how lost i am. I dont know what to do, what to do think of, whom to go to. i feel like i have come to a jalan mati. theres maybe a way to turn back. but like i said, i dont know how and where..

they said i am having highachiever syndrome. hell yea iam probably. but i dont know much about tht syndrome and it doesnt matter also if i have that syndrome or not because all i know is that i am lost here. that everyday when i woke up, i tell myself not think much of it, just live everyday as a day. and tomorrow another day, and another day. and true, i wake up nowadays with less carrying burden in the mind, but i live the burden of heart of not knowing what i want in life, as much as i dont know what is there in life it could offer me.

i am that fish in the river. with not broken fins, not a broken tail. but with a broken instinct. i dont know where to navigate. i follow.. where the water flows. it brings  me everywhere i used to not want to go so much.