I woke up this morning and come to the realisation of my personal life journey. My head feels heavy. It was that time, a subtle but significant amount of seemingly exogenous thought feel like infusing, later diffusing into my brain. A tot that has long grown at the background of my mind.It is only today that realisation feels very large to me.
That today i realise I am really no one, that what ever I did have never put such a big meaning to others, not more to the world of course. My presence is just an individual. And that my realisation to a lot of things Ive seen in the world, those that intrigued me, inspired me, brought big meaning to me have always been meaningful to myself only. And that personal enrichment are not meant to be shared accept to those who want, because personal enrichment as the name suggest has always been personal to others. And everyone is so possessive about what they feel and know and recognise. Which is not a bad things as it is humane.
Maybe that I am much clouded by the dreams I cannot actually achieved by realisation.
I realise more than ever than life, are meant to be in surprise..Expecting is too much for us to do. That a lot of things that happen to us, good things I mean, does not always come as we deserve. but to whatever dicerolling that was done by above.
That the only thing I really want to achieve is the happiness.
Thursday, 11 February 2016
In utter love and bleed, I let those elements blend inside of me. Corrupting the walls Ive made to protect my heart from sheer disappointment and blatant stupidity. You have loved me all these far, and all that I can give is my mere anger. This confusion is invading the state of my mind. From a small, tangled idea it grows too big to occupy a human brain. I want to faint. I want to close my eyes and believe that all about me disappear, so that when I open my eyes the next day, I can start everything all over again.
We met back then in high school and we both know how important we are to the people there. Creating an empire of student councils that behave more powerfully than the school authority itself, we influence peers and juniors. It’s a glory we made. Two champions sharing a toast. We are the victors of all said competitions in the state. Haul the Glory, the school bells sound like its anthem?
It has been 2 years since we last chit-chat. I would have lied that I didn’t miss time well-spent with you even just to about how the morning coffee taste like. Or how good your words are, well-arranged, mannered and charming by its facies even if I was not looking at you.
All this doesn’t make sense. She didn’t reply my last message. She always replied, eventually even that means one-week later. But a year of unworthy wait? I am not going to keep waiting for her.
I heard she is not well. She failed her pre-degree. She failing? Never heard that two words mentioned so close together. A peculiar. Damn awkward.
What should I do now?
Save her heart, a whisper.
I never failed. I mean I am a perfectionist, and the fact that I am chicken of making other people see my weaknesses, drive me to compulsively make sure I do everything perfectly alrite. No flaws whatsoever. Blunders are unacceptable. Unrefined works are the worst. I have poured every commitment into my work. It is working. My application to the school is not.
When my life starts to crumble I start questioning about a lot of things. I ask about God whether He is really there listening to our prayers. Is our prayers, the fellow human has ever been answered, or that answers are just a mere coincidence in the event of life.
I started to venture into philosophy. Why would Karl Marx, Khan, .,.. ,. Care so much about about creating equality. And is equality in economic distribution is even possible. And even if it is possible, is it “equality” to the individuals. Should individual’s right be taken care of, or the right of collective human are more prioritised.
I asked about societal behaviour. Why human want to fit in so much? Not wanting to stand their unique individuality out. Would rather have a standardised set of thinking than a...
I want asnwers to my questions. And those I have met only give me superficial answer, but laters asking me to be satisfied they way they are satisfied with their arguments. But we humans have different depth of thinking. Like a sea where the deepest area of the Atlantic is different of the Pacific. I am sorry that I left those people, I would make them friends, but not a guru where I can feel at peace having my questions all untangled.
I don’t know if I am borne to live in a different world. Having excellent outlook at reality, yet often live in fantasy of the historical books, fiction movies – of those characters I admired. I don’t mind living my whole life like this. Dreaming of becoming a martyr one day, don’t mind fighting the government in the radical way.
Life is a concept. A set of events happening in our life. The facts are conveniently conveyed by memories, yet it is often adapted by bias that we are not conscious of. The stories are diluted by perspectives, different from each pair of eyes. But more often is that human has lacked of richness in its language to be able to accurately describe what the heart feels. And that, too often, left things to be under-rated, therefore, under-looked.
I have been fighting with fear for as long as I remember I can consciously breathing. I have been in war with my state of emotion since I was a child. It is not a result an abusive childhood. Rather, I really don’t know why it is.
But I am tired of this struggle. Being too afraid to do something, despite my bravery at certain area in life. I don’t have that much of people who have listened to my stories. But I am glad to have found some very lending ears that water the seeds of faith and hope in me. That have keep my dream alive. Altho reaching them, are yet, a lengthy journey.
Im tired to be the one who does not have a sharp mind, who need to do a plentiful of effort before I can really get things on work.
Should I blame myself for my cowardice. That I shud have push myself further. That I shud not have pampered my emotion soily that it has become a spoiled brat.
But I don’t want to go too hard on myself anymore. Pushing myself into limits, and boundaries – those have been the victorious days. But how long can I keep pressuring myself that long.
That I feel it times for me to go slow and steady, rather than harsh and rush.
But I am in my 20s, mate. I shud have all the energy to drive me thru far and satisfactory.
Where do you go when you want your soul to be heard?
It’s not for a calming effect I am searching. I am searching for resolution to all this questions I had inside my head.
I have changed so much for people. I don’t think it worth it also. But even from here, even if I choose to go back, I don’t know where to go. Much less , how.
I was without fear. Simpl because I fight fear. Seeing fear as an enemy, I do everything that can prove myself that I can do anything I want, say anything, advocate any cause.
I spoke so eloquently, often with so much confidence.
But often, when I regain my sit after a speech, I realise I never really win over my fear. My combat is when I am doing my speech. And everytime I do that, I confront fear but only in the few minutes of speech. Closing Speech is the closing of my bravery.
I never had it enuf. And I am still full of scare inside
I don’t want to be scared. I want to do things that I want to do.