Monday, 21 November 2016

if i were to wish for a dream come true. i just wanna board the flight on and off very occasionally, visiting all those countries i heard from afar, from the movies i watched, from the books i read, from the girlish dreams i have.

i want that moment with a person or maybe triple or quadruple of people i have fallen in love with their company, to have deep talks while watching the sunset from the old buildings with all its historical stories, and telling jokes and teases each other until we are all teary and stomach pain from all the out-loud laughing we have.

i want that dream i used to dream of so badly. to be in a foreign land to learn its civilisation, culture and past. to be the one who witness the every day life of those european people that we in the far away land have been admiring, either for the good reason and rotten one.

this dream, has given me all the agony in the world. and i still wonder until this date of when the world will start to notice that i deserve to receive this gift that much.

i dont admire european alone. altho of course, it is more appealing for most people including me because european likes to exhibits their lavishness and some poshness in the culture that they promote to us.  I hav also been wishing for a budget travelling with my dad in the land of the prophets. where we both know arabic very well, can communicated with them well enuf to not be cheated upon when making businesses. i wanted to travel by his side and to listen to all his stories of the cities and the desserts. because nothing is the the calm music to my ear (literally) other than to listen to his tots and opinions, and then noticing of how little time i have with this man, and how little have i given to this man.

Monday, 25 July 2016

Rul Mber Wan :


So if you feel like wanna do somethinggg.. do it IMMEDIATELY! HHA. No postpone.
Uh-HUH, Even toilet break doesnt count.

Sunday, 22 May 2016

eventually, i am that no one.
(READ : eventually means - akhirnya, towards the end of a story)
 i lie if i dont worry about him finding someone who are more someone, who may have deserved him better.

but im greedy, i wont let him go

Friday, 20 May 2016

today i realise that people might not understand the term i used, or the words that i would mean. not because i didnt make it coherent.
but rather, those the meanings behind those words might mean differently to them that what it mean to me.
like " being bold enough to invite speaker."
to me it would mean bein g bold enough to invite speakers that are outstandingly good and different ideas. rather than being just a good presenter or sth.

Saturday, 14 May 2016

I want you to pray for me.
to have that strength to pursue greatness

this is for my own soul

not for names.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

im going back to sleep tonite. just like whay i have been doing the past 3 years.
those years i had been summoning strength before i sleep. my chant, god make me strong tomorrow.

i had hated myself for being a girl so shy, yet so soft. i kick my butt, push my back - uve got to try to be strong. but that time was different, because i had desire. i had desire to become better, to be not look down

and how things have been different. feelings had overflown for these 3 years. i had tot of channeling the feelings so intense into my dream, my ambition. but i suck at it. i succumb to sorrow, prolonged one. ive been wanting to come back to being ok. at leaat, to feel okay.

i feel alone in this fight. i dont have ground in this battle. id rooted very strongly. but once u shake ur own faith ,whats there anymore to believe.
zit true..
that very little people love me
Tuhan, jika Kau ada
berikanlah aku ketenangan hati
berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk bertindak dalam hidupku
Kau tahu betapa jiwa ini sunyi
Kau tahu betapa jiwa ini merasa sakit meniti hari-hari yang ada
beginikah perempuan yang Kau jadikan, Tuhan
sifatnya yang sangat mahu memiliki,
perasaannya pada sesuatu sangat kuat sekali
yang jika ada takdir memisahkan dirinya dan kehendaknya itu,
seperti sebuah kampung yang terputus bekalan airnya
dan butir-butiran padi pun mengering
kerana gersangnya tanah dan jiwanya.
every day i will tell the old wardrobe
that i dont have motivation to live not more
i mere live a day as a day
but i dont like how this goes
because i dont like being worthless like this
navigating without direction





Thursday, 31 March 2016

i never heard such innocence
i never heard such stories, babe
so tell me what am i.
Where time you see people in desperado
you see how they give it all of their selves
its not givin in, not is this givin up

it is just too much love, overflowing from their lil heart.

it hurts to see that much big of a feeling

Tuesday, 29 March 2016

You have never lost yourself,
It has always been there.
You are talking about 21 years of life you have been building
all the characters,
all the tots and thinkings,
They couldnt have vanished just like that to 3-years of heart-torment
Its all your hardwork and blessing, we are talking about.

Monday, 28 March 2016

i didnt know that dreams can be built so similar, that it resembles you.

Sunday, 27 March 2016

i told you that i am a rough lover
but u dont want to go away
and when we stuck here in the matrix
we have no where to go but us
she was a tiger
a fierce fighter,
incredibly driven
the raw soul,
now remain flaccid
with not spirit and purpose.

haul a life, haul.

talking about moral conscience,
i will be ashamed of myself
of me who draw herself out from the ring she used to believe in
what are you, when you cannot be yourself.
what are you, when you are so afraid
what are you, when you dont stand for yourself

Saturday, 19 March 2016

some day when i have a child to teach to, i want to teach them how to be strong and compassionate. because often strong people neglect those below them, while compassionate people didnt learn to be defend their self so worthy

Sunday, 13 March 2016


Life some many months ago was somber. I couldnt help wanting to listen to goyte songs to satisfy my grieving soul. I dont specifically know what i was grieving about, because every time would be of different things. the background problem was mainly about losing the opportunity i once really want. Especially, it is because i dont know whats other alternative i favour. especially i tot what i want was what i really wanted in life.

But thru this many journey have i learn compassion and empathy, not to say that i have become a completely compassionate woman, only better than what i was. i have to say that i was a judgemental-freak and a bigot, not to blame religious rhetoric but i do feel religious preach should be more thoughtful, considerate and of more righteous knowledge.

My conflict was having a clash of two powerful culture in my thought. Islamic civilization in itself has not a range of horizontal spectrum, but because of the many factor the ranges could have been better said as a circle of spectra that comprises mny issues. From its traditionalism, conservatives, liberal, secularism, spiritual aspect, and so on, of that I didnt know to mention. Modern world, in the other hand, evolved into its complicated machinery and globalisation has made everything merged together whenever possible, and clash of values among modern and local or traditional value have not been any more common than now.

3 years of this journey, i have been seeking my way back to some normal, stable mind and thoughts. And today couldnt have been a better day to say that my comeback recently has been the best compared to previous many try-outs. Especially true when you hve the best people around.

Despite that, I know I could not settle my mind down as of now, since my journey is still on going. More roads to be taken, more brave steps to embrace, more people to meet, more ideas to go through, more hardwork to be worked out, more love to give. More God in life.

Im grateful to God, for the opportunity.

Wednesday, 9 March 2016


Mendefinisikan kehidupan inilah yang payah. terutama jika orang seperti aku yang menyerap cara fikir orang. sedangkan aku sendiri sepatutnya lebih tahu untuk mengikuti kencenderungan diri.

Saya penat mencari makna diri, kerana sebenar-benarnya, "myself" telah wujud kesekian lama tetapi keinginan untuk bersebati dengn masyarakat menjadikan saya untuk terus mengubah diri menjadi sesuatu yang tidak begitu bermakna.

Cukuplah keserabutan sehingga kali ini. Kerana aku ingin berdamai dengan tuhan, dengan diri, dengan alam. bahawa aku kali ini perlu mengakui bahawa aku dan alam dan makhluk2 lain tidak mampu sebati secara zatnya, hanya mampu untuk saling memahami. inilah kelemahan makhluk, inilah kelemahan aku,

bahawa kali ini, meskipun aku benci sekali kepada retorika agama yang banyak dicanang-canang orang agama tanpa banyak fikir, retorika ini jugalah sebahagiannya amatlah benar bertepatan sekali dengan prinsip agama dan rasul. bahawa jika sebiji pisangnya rosak, tidaklah setandannya buruk sekali.

bahawa, sekalipun aku dengan keegoaan aku sebagai manusia, yang tidak suka pengulang-ulangan ayat yang sama, tidak menarik, tidak beridea baru kata nafsu mudaku; nilai2 itulah yang telah lama dibawa moyang2, musafir2, orang2 dagang turun termurun untuk mensejahterakan masyarakat alam.

bahawa walaupun aku rimas sekali dengan peraturan, displinlah yang telah membentuk jiwa manusia yang murni dan mulia

bahawa walaupun aku amatlah mencintai kejayaan dan idea2 kejayaan; namun kejayaan menjadi manusia yang paling teratas, tertinggi bukanlah cita2 yang paling mulia, bukan juga cita2 yang mampu dicapai semua kerana pemilikan yang lebih bermakna dalam hidup bukanlah kejayaan tetapi kebahagiaan. bahawa kadangkala aku harus terima bahawa aku tidak akan terus berjaya sepanjang masa.

bahawa harus aku beritahu kepada ngkau aku ini terlalu banyak angan2nya, terlalu banyak keinginan. bahawa kau harus beritahu aku untuk tidak tamak, kerana tamak mampu menjayakan si dia orang sana, tetapi ketamakan tidak nampak seperti mampu menjayakan, membahagiaankan aku. bahawa aku perlu terus tenang dengan kehidupan, dengan diri, dengan alam, dengan tuhan.

bahawa meskipun aku tenang, aku raksa wanita yang akan tetap menyalakan obor jiwa mudanya!

Monday, 7 March 2016


Probably the things i hate the most, will keep hating the most, will want to stop crying about it but cannot; is the fact that i have come to no value amongst my peers. never seen my competency in dealing with stuff im good at, because i choose, to rather shut the fuck up in front of them. why? because they never see my value from the beginning. i shudnt put my value based on peoples judgement whom most of the time are superficial. i know that.

but i kenot deny how i feel devalued, demoralised, having to be with people who dont appreciate my being as itself. I kenot be true to myself most of time, because not wanting to appear weak or getting into the streotyping of "baik" again ive to put a coldhearted act of "coolness", "lackadaisical","chillax".. when all i do is lying to myself, lying to them, lying to god. but who the hell want to look pious and naive. who the hell want that in the place where innocent means u r not brave enuf to explore new things.

i am in torment. in agony into thinking why, how did i end up here. was it a wrong choice. i hate um as much as i like it for teaching me to suck up, toughen up and get rough. but all in all what i like about um is also what i hate about it. but if um doesnt have to come at the first place, maybe ill be more glad.

i hate the fact that very common i would be thinking of the dreams i wish i could have, of the person i wish i could have been because i have worked hard enuf for it. but rarely, as im not good at putting myself up, rarely i am seen. maybe its true what they say. i am a soft squid. too fluid to live in this grounded world.

i am lost. but often i would say to myself its okay because everyone does not know much about future and things around them too but they live with it just fine. my frens said that to me as if they know how lost i am. I dont know what to do, what to do think of, whom to go to. i feel like i have come to a jalan mati. theres maybe a way to turn back. but like i said, i dont know how and where..

they said i am having highachiever syndrome. hell yea iam probably. but i dont know much about tht syndrome and it doesnt matter also if i have that syndrome or not because all i know is that i am lost here. that everyday when i woke up, i tell myself not think much of it, just live everyday as a day. and tomorrow another day, and another day. and true, i wake up nowadays with less carrying burden in the mind, but i live the burden of heart of not knowing what i want in life, as much as i dont know what is there in life it could offer me.

i am that fish in the river. with not broken fins, not a broken tail. but with a broken instinct. i dont know where to navigate. i follow.. where the water flows. it brings  me everywhere i used to not want to go so much.

Sunday, 14 February 2016

Morning Realisation

I woke up this morning and come to the realisation of my personal life journey. My head feels heavy. It was that time, a subtle but significant amount of seemingly exogenous thought feel like infusing, later diffusing into my brain. A tot that has long grown at the background of my mind.It is only today that realisation feels very large to me.

That today i realise I am really no one, that what ever I did have never put such a big meaning to others, not more to the world of course. My presence is just an individual. And that my realisation to a lot of things Ive seen in the world, those that intrigued me, inspired me, brought big meaning to me have always been meaningful to myself only. And that personal enrichment are not meant to be shared accept to those who want, because personal enrichment as the name suggest has always been personal to others. And everyone is so possessive about what they feel and know and recognise. Which is not a bad things as it is humane.

Maybe that I am much clouded by the dreams I cannot actually achieved by realisation.

I realise more than ever than life, are meant to be in surprise..Expecting is too much for us to do. That a lot of things that happen to us, good things I mean, does not always come as we deserve. but to whatever dicerolling that was done by above.

That the only thing I really want to achieve is the happiness.

Friday, 12 February 2016

Thursday, 11 February 2016

#2 Random

In utter love and bleed, I let those elements blend inside of me. Corrupting the walls Ive made to protect my heart from sheer disappointment and blatant stupidity. You have loved me all these far, and all that I can give is my mere anger. This confusion is invading the state of my mind. From a small, tangled idea it grows too big to occupy a human brain. I want to faint. I want to close my eyes and believe that all about me disappear, so that when I open my eyes the next day, I can start everything all over again.

Flashback :
We met back then in high school and we both know how important we are to the people there. Creating an empire of student councils that behave more powerfully than the school authority itself, we influence peers and juniors. It’s a glory we made. Two champions sharing a toast. We are the victors of all said competitions in the state. Haul the Glory, the school bells sound like its anthem?


It has been 2 years since we last chit-chat. I would have lied that I didn’t miss time well-spent with you even just to about how the morning coffee taste like. Or how good your words are, well-arranged, mannered and charming by its facies even if I was not looking at you.

All this doesn’t make sense. She didn’t reply my last message. She always replied, eventually even that means one-week later. But a year of unworthy wait? I am not going to keep waiting for her.
I heard she is not well. She failed her pre-degree. She failing? Never heard that two words mentioned so close together. A peculiar. Damn awkward.
What should I do now?
Save her heart, a whisper.

I never failed. I mean I am a perfectionist, and the fact that I am chicken of making other people see my weaknesses, drive me to compulsively make sure I do everything perfectly alrite. No flaws whatsoever. Blunders are unacceptable. Unrefined works are the worst. I have poured every commitment into my work. It is working. My application to the school is not.

When my life starts to crumble I start questioning about a lot of things. I ask about God whether He is really there listening to our prayers. Is our prayers, the fellow human has ever been answered, or that answers are just a mere coincidence in the event of life.

I started to venture into philosophy. Why would Karl Marx, Khan, .,.. ,. Care so much about about creating equality. And is equality in economic distribution is even possible. And even if it is possible, is it “equality” to the individuals. Should individual’s right be taken care of, or the right of collective human are more prioritised.

I asked about societal behaviour. Why human want to fit in so much? Not wanting to stand their unique individuality out. Would rather have a standardised set of thinking than a...

I want asnwers to my questions. And those I have met only give me superficial answer, but laters asking me to be satisfied they way they are satisfied with their arguments. But we humans have different depth of thinking. Like a sea where the deepest area of the Atlantic is different of the Pacific. I am sorry that I left those people, I would make them friends, but not a guru where I can feel at peace having my questions all untangled.

I don’t know if I am borne to live in a different world. Having excellent outlook at reality, yet often live in fantasy of the historical books, fiction movies – of those characters I admired. I don’t mind living my whole life like this. Dreaming of becoming a martyr one day, don’t mind fighting the government in the radical way.

Life is a concept. A set of events happening in our life. The facts are conveniently conveyed by memories, yet it is often adapted by bias that we are not conscious of. The stories are diluted by perspectives, different from each pair of eyes. But more often is that human has lacked of richness in its language to be able to accurately describe what the heart feels. And that, too often, left things to be under-rated, therefore, under-looked.

A timid

I have been fighting with fear for as long as I remember I can consciously breathing. I have been in war with my state of emotion since I was a child. It is not a result an abusive childhood. Rather, I really don’t know why it is. 

But I am tired of this struggle. Being too afraid to do something, despite my bravery at certain area in life. I don’t have that much of people who have listened to my stories. But I am glad to have found some very lending ears that water the seeds of faith and hope in me. That have keep my dream alive. Altho reaching them, are yet, a lengthy journey.

Im tired to be the one who does not have a sharp mind, who need to do a plentiful of effort before I can really get things on work.

Should I blame myself for my cowardice. That I shud have push myself further. That I shud not have pampered my emotion soily that it has become a spoiled brat.

But I don’t want to go too hard on myself anymore. Pushing myself into limits, and boundaries – those have been the victorious days. But how long can I keep pressuring myself that long.
That I feel it times for me to go slow and steady, rather than harsh and rush.

But I am in my 20s, mate. I shud have all the energy to drive me thru far and satisfactory. 

Where do I go to have my soul heard?

Where do you go when you want your soul to be heard?

It’s not for a calming effect I am searching. I am searching for resolution to all this questions I had inside my head.

I have changed so much for people. I don’t think it worth it also. But even from here, even if I choose to go back, I don’t know where to go. Much less , how.

I was without fear. Simpl because I fight fear. Seeing fear as an enemy, I do everything that can prove myself that I can do anything I want, say anything, advocate any cause.

I spoke so eloquently, often with so much confidence.

But often, when I regain my sit after a speech, I realise I never really win over my fear. My combat is when I am doing my speech. And everytime I do that, I confront fear but only in the few minutes of speech. Closing Speech is the closing of my bravery.

I never had it enuf. And I am still full of scare inside

I don’t want to be scared. I want to do things that I want to do.