Monday, 31 August 2015

The new leaflet

I've lost some piece of myself. I could die missing those days where emotions were my company, my strength, my drive and my identity. I could collapse from chasing over my past. I would want to, for the blessing and curse of having to feel delicate feelings that are all around but ignored by many. It's the kind of aching in the heart that are both beautifully pleasant and painfully hurt. How do even these two paradox takes place in one reality?

I've put away some of my identity for that it doesn't fit with the norm. I was never someone who want to comply to societal, cultural or any sort of norms. But I guess when I had my only choice of fitting in or isolation, I've chosen the former.

I am not as burning. Not fiery as I used to be, not a dragon ball. Not a naive, maybe an innocent but improving. I was younger, taking many exploratory steps with a pinch (or a mountain) of idiocy. Maybe braver now, but not as bold.

Still broken but working hard to stand up again. I dont have much hope to life than I used to have. Trying to be more normal than ordinary. Maybe this time, God, let me just have peace and happiness.

Monday, 24 August 2015

Sunday, 9 August 2015

A heart note to mum. You're perfect. All blunders are microscopically negligible


....

And probably for once this time and FOREVER onwards, I feel my mum was, is and still a very good mom a child can have. If I know the infinity digits of the universe length, I could have already use it to measure this feeling. I recognise my mum had done mistakes raising us up, but hey, which parents deliberately want to do blunders except that they as young parents were facing tough challenges in building a good foundation of a family and they slipped out from time to time like any normal human being could have been.

I remembered my childhood being dead scared of reading out loud in front of her, because I don't know how to read. My voice would shiver while reading and a river  (as in a heavy flow, not just some drops) of tears would streamed down my cheeks even before I started reading. Well, probably because reading in front of my mom was the toughest childhood experience, I maintain readings as my favourite routines even after I grow up, which I appreciate the trait much.

I know I had bad memories that reminisce me of being devalued by her when I tried to impress her. The flooding memories become scars because I thought if she could have been more vigilance at handling a kid's feeling, I could not have suppressed some part of my childhood characters.

Just the recent years.. she has stopped doing cookings and house chores on her own.. like she would ask us to help her out with chores that are not our own laundry or stuff of our own..  she complained how exhausted she was at juggling works and family life.. and if ever I could have understood the subtle quiver of her voice while saying this to us.. I could have understand her sooner and show my love by helping her out more.

I didn't realise why she had become like that. But when I was brushing my teeth just now (Like any others, brushing teeth is likely the most common moment our minds wander off just as randomly as our life encounters) I REALISE that she had stopped becoming the mom who did every chores for her family because none of us REALLY RECOGNISE the deeds as she had been doing those.

I kinda understand her feeling a lot more now as I was also going thru a phase where I regret being very rajin in the name of being baik untuk Tuhan, as by doing kebaikan bluntly without strategic idea of putting oneself at a good mental standard is killing your own body and mind.

I initially thought her work as a mum has been as a normal routine of any mum. But going to high school and later to university..meeting up more people and see life at a greater angle.. I realise that THIS MOM I HAVE IS AN EXTRAORDINARY MOM. She might be ordinary to the eyes of many people in her school where she teaches for 12 years.  (That's what I understand from her. But listening to her many teacher-stories, I bet she is a very good teacher).

She cooked for me since primary school to secondary. I was always the only one with bekalan makanan dari rumah.. while others come with it only occasionally. And even if there were those who bring foods from home everyday, it could have been that the bibik not their mums who cooked for her for. And for my mum, frozen or instant food were almost forbidden (altho time to time I insisted for some hehe.)

Whenever I was studying robustly like hell, she would never stop me studying just to ask me to help her out. I would usually be the one who need to go to the dapur and asked her if anything I can help her with. The fact she never constricts me with what I'm doing was not much of a big gratitude.. Until I listened to my friends story of how their mums have asked them to do house chores, cooking, babysitting their lil siblings which deprive them from the ample time study school stuff.

I was never even more gratitude like I am today, until one day I called my mum and told her my feeling of how gratitude I am of having her for giving me adequate spaces to let me strive for what I wanted the most. Her say made me teary (internally), because she did that because she wanted to be the best mom she could be. Oii. anak mana tak nak nangis tang ni oi.

It has been almost 3 years I have been living away from home since 2012. 3 years is a long period. Yet my memory of her in my fifth former feels just very close. What I cannot accept at this point of time, is how can time travel so DAMN FAST,  anc I can't even feel it. How long have I left to be with my mum?

As for some of you who has know me, you would know that I was in quite a terrible state of disliking my past who are very baik. Eversince, I detest the idea of asking people to do makruf, or do a favour for people because I dont like the idea of someone being bullied or socially yet subtyl oppressed. My mom know this as I told her once or twice. And of course she does not support the idea of my hatred as it is not align with my the Allah and Prophet saw say. She also tried to promote the idea of it again. I saw here doing good stuff. And she encourage people to do as well. She is still the diligent woman who do chores at home, cook whenever she can, have time for everyone, baik hati sangat sangat sebab setiap hari for many many years in her maternal life, she is the one who picked me and my siblings from tadika, sekolah rendah, sekolah menengah.

I used to slightly not liking her because she is a kind woman. But now I know her, inspired by her.. I could not be more proud to do kindness in life. (BUT BEWARE LA, I WONT TOLERATE ANY BULLY OR EVEN SLIGHT FEELING OF SUPERIOR OVER PEOPLE WHO ARE BAIK)

When I am caught in the thought of being a mother, I know I can't do her jobs.



Thursday, 6 August 2015

The whole essence of life is to be comfortable with your own existence.

Monday, 3 August 2015

Honey Creme. Pls, dont waste your lifetime. Got to try!

I'm performing puasa and it is exceptionally tough today sebab teringat ice-cream Honey Creme semalam. Pegh. Tuhan, x de nikmat lagi best dari ni ke!

Vyone got to try! Buy a vanilla/milk/original ice-cream (preferabbly not so sweet) and put a coat of honey on top of it. Geez, the combination of those two are just like heaven man...



Image result for honey cremeThere's many way to serve the honey la...

Sunday, 2 August 2015

Fight Song

To those having tough time. Just hold on for another mile in the fight!
  
And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time


Penat nak asyik sembang bab ni. Amik baca ni. 

http://saifulislam.com/2015/07/atas-nama-tanzim/