Most things in life was hurtful. And what was so exarcerbating was not much people believe me. I don't have much people to refer to honestly. Or people to willingly listen and believe how things have gone. When I told my Islamist friends that, I had found the rebellion in me to go against Islamic jemaah. Not that I wanted to go away from the "kumpulan orang mukmin", but I don't find the revelancy of being under someone's "umbrella". But as I had my core belief in the need of jemaah, I found it hard to go against my value, in which I had found hard to comply to anymore. They accused me of being : "budak berulang" yang tak tahu nak bersosial. Tu la pasai tak tau nak adapt dengan persekitaran. (Apesal beb, sakit hati gila kot.)
Thing is, when they go through the same things, studying in UM, the world is bigger than what it was for them. They are seeing what I was seeing, only then they know the reason why I was reactive previously. Memang hidup suka mengata orang ke apa. Rasa dulu kak, baru tau.
I was depressed. Even though it was hard for me to admit, I got to admit, because denial is not going to solve my problem. I had to recognise my problem first, before I know how to solve it. I told my friends, they don't believe me either. They said that : Asma you are just exaggerating things.
As if their attention was the only thing wanted. I might want their attention, for that I was so confused and don't know what steps to do, what prospect to think, I wanted some advices badly. But I wasn't lying and go everywhere and making up stories just to gain some unjustifiable attention.
I was in a big mess. I became a problematic student. Didn't participate in class, go against what people say, does not want to adhere to the rules, come late to class, didn't come prepared. I was what I saw in the so-called "tiada harapan", "budak bermasalah" that we often saw teachers calling in school. I wanted to get out from the mess, but it wasn't easy. And so the "hikmah" that I took was trying to feel being in the shoes of the problematic students. I know why it is hard for these people to change, because nobody believe them. Nobody believe them that they can do it. And what people keep blaming was their attitude that was so hardcore that resist changes. But believe me, sometimes or most of the time, those kids, bukanya tak nak berubah, but the spark of hope that people have on them was so few, was so little that they can't see. Everyone wants to embrace changes. Just that some people are a bit more broken than the others, they need more belief to ignite their fire to change.
I was mad to God. I didn't tell much people. I know people are sensitive towards being "mad" to God. I know I shouldn't because I am His, and whatever I had was also His.. But I was mad that because I tried so hard to do religion, it fired back to me. Thing was, that the religious version that I took was not the genuine interpretation of religion, it was some sort of some derived version of many hardcore Islamists. It was hurtful, to know that you wanted to do so much for it but can contribute so little.
Yeah, but as usual, people whom I told "I am mad mad to God', they are all mad to me. Despite knowing very little why I felt like that.
It was a big betrayal. Fate. Like what the hooking fish, wthf, that I had tried so damning hard to the extend of sacrificing my own social life and lots more for years, I don't get anything in return. OH MYY. The feeling those moments came, was stabbing heartache.
omg, I want an end to this. As for my Ramadhan, the 4th, since I started mad at You and Your fate. I want some peace in my heart. Some solace in the room of myself and with people around me. I want to make peace with you, as I know that I have gotten no strength other than those good strength coming from You.