I know I've grown up a lot in life when I look back into the trails of life I've gone through. It wasn't easy and the difficulty apply to any of a person's life journey. To a certain degree, I am glad that I wasn't put in a place I had wished to be, that's to simply say, study in foreign country. I wouldn't have seen a vast filming of life in reality, of which most of them I didn't even know existing.
In life, we wouldn't have much of internal struggle if we accept ourselves the way we are. And all these while, I've been int the war against my own self. I am different, in a lot of ways with people. I've rarely met people like me although I wish I could find more so that I could feel more normal and less alone. Mostly, I make good friends with a lot of people older than my age. I find more comfort and similarity talking to them.
Belief is the highest sovereignty for human. It controls what possibly can and cannot. I want to belief that it is okay to be me, amidst people who are not thinking alike. In all honesty, I don't know how far should I go with stuff I am concerned about. Should I join the discourse and their movement, should I stay oblivion, or should I just observe from afar? Any choice is not wrong, and any choice is my favourite. I am not putting the burden overly on myself of wanting to participate to stuff out of my circle of influence. I've mingled with people like these, talked to them, and for me I feel most belong when I am with them. I feel inspired. A lot. To be part of those people who concern about the world. And not just that, they contribute. It is just them to wanting to do those things, to be part of the action for change. Some people are brought up to contribute ideas or changes into society, especially coming from family which exposes their kids with ideas and changes since early in life. And in some social fraternity, it is strongly upheld that becoming an agent of change is a part of a muslim duty. And I have to be honest to myself and my people, even though, I wanted much to hide my upbringing of these kind, wanting to get away from relentless stereotyping and the hard time taken to justify to people on my world view. I find joy and contentment finding answers in my quest. I was once told that if you really want to understand my Islam, I've got to set up my on journey to study Islam from its root and authentic knowledge. Although I haven't really worked out to really go in depth into various schools of thoughts in Islam, I have had a glance to many of them, giving a generic view of Islam. This is me. I wrote this in order to find myself back. I find it practically difficult to do what I love so much when I got little crowd to gather and talk with, like being in medical field right now. As much as reading stories, playing video games, movies and songs are part of my free time activities like every else too, there are more things in life I found more meaning of doing. I like the thrill to find meanings, fyi.
This year might as well be the most silent year in my life. I wanted to share a lot of my opinions, ask so many questions, but I stopped myself from doing so. I dont know, but this year is the year I find myself being the utmost lazy to speak out. I know I haven't spoken out publicly much previous years too. But previously, I have a lot of urge to speak, but I know little of what to speak out. People don't belief me when I said I was traumatised by the fact that people criticised me for speaking out at the beginning of my degree life. I know why it was, because I presented myself as a naïve, a very kind person, overly friendly as if I was trying to hide my nervousness or something. For people, I was not genuine enough. Probably. I was shocked, yes. And why? Never in my life I was personally attacked for becoming what I am.
If you want to be in the debate, you need to speak out more.
You think we are too intelligent for you to understand us?
There used to be the time, even though they didn't directly say to me, I felt the building pressure that challenge me as a muslim when I didn't socially perform. I take a big pride towards my state as a muslim. And if I didn't manage to do something, of thrive in a social circle, or class I would feel much ashamed to God. That's how big I tooke religion into my life.
I have had enough times where I always direct my life to how people think deems fit, either religiously, spiritually or intellectually. I want to trust myself more this time, that I have an instinct good enough to make a right choice.