I am in constant struggle to write a good piece of writing of my life account. Not the storyline that is important to me, but the lesson learnt, twisted plot that later teach me how to see life better.
I wrote but never
put a good resolution to it. Never actually know what I really feel. Never actually know what to feel even. I will always feel restless like today that I'm writing and also any other day, until one day I manage to
successfully put down feelings in the right way with the right choice
of words. I'm not sure what is required to be done to sharpen my writing
skill. Do I need to read more so that I have a more abundant choice of
words in my vocabulary tank. or do I need to write more and just be the me who writes things this way. I need good words to describe my
feelings. I badly want to translate the voices I had in my mind into
literal being so that I can see, I can feel, I can read my own mind. With the hope
it would stop running in my head. I wonder sometimes is it me who has
been extra sensitive towards feelings and emotions that playfully exist
in life. Or is it that I'm young in this life that I experience so much of new things.For me, I have been going through
a lot of phases in my life in which each of them posses its unique
beautiful feelings along with the pain and sweetness. I can't help to not ignore
them.Some times I like to drown myself in a sea of emotions, because
feelings are one of the most beautiful things to savour in life.
used to write using bombastic words, esp during high school where I check the dictionary for almost each word I used, and the thesaurus for almost another word I'm about to use. but I
know it wasn't genuine. In fact, not just my writing, my feelings my thinkings my actings have a lot to do be questioned of their authenticity. A lot of them are dogmatised. I am not saying it's wrong. But I feel trapped and unable to move places I wish to go before of the hardcore belief, which sometimes I know are not that right. I think a lot about my life, including my essay writings and posted blogs rambles are ambitchous. They constantly depict the extreme
effort I put to look wonderful. Well, who in life doesn't appreciate effortlessness. Even putting effort has to look less. Less is more, so it goes.
At one point in life, I realised I grew up with doctrination. I was a fan for haraki books. And I took the callings for being "muslim", seriously. I didn't find it entirely wrong, even now,
because at some point religions and beliefs have always been like that,
regardless being the good or the bad elements in a social framework. Religion need to thrive and any ways, there are spots where religion can penetrate either for people like me who like rationale and academic discipline, or others.
But but, even though I had a gargantuan
religious spirit, hamasah ( doesn't mean I was an extremist), I don't think I was
thinking on my own feet. On the contrary though, I have a lot of thinkings on my own (I mean not necessarily my own decision without knowledge la...) like how should muslim girls
who are thought to be reserved in her tarbiyah setting, socialise amongst peers that are more "liberal". Whether girls should or could shake hands with VIPs on the stage, where
crowds are looking. To hold hands of a boy to help them out. A few simple examples to give. But I failed miserably. I fail to express those thinkings into
deliberated actions or spoken words, to express how luas rahmat Islam pada alam.
Of course there is
religious discourse among ulamak of whether these above are permitted in Islam or not. Like Dr. Yusuf Al-Qaradawi himself, is more inclined to the opinions where shaking hands amongst opposite genders are allowed in
tight time, such as wanting to take care of the dignity of her counterpart as
being in the public with less comprehension over the syariah matter, that is muslims don't shake hands with different genders. I've myself seen
an authentic picture of Dr. Sheikh shaking hands with a female.
see, muslims are diversed in our WORLD VIEW, because of how we are brought up, and our difference in our living environment, familial background, received education. We all belongs to various schools of thoughts. And we muslims are in many continents, bringing chaos instead of rahmatan lil'alamin. Our different views, even though brothers and sisters, collided rampantly instead of homogenously mixtured. It's hard to understand other's point of view because we don't engage with their settings, but it's not the shortcomings that set us back. It's how we see ourselves as a muslim. Indeed we believe in what we believe which comes from Quran and Sunnah, but our interpretation and understandings about the same ayah could have been different. Because humans are granted with a marvellous gift, the thinking brain. Each ulamak understands God's command differently. And within each understanding, it's not that ulamak trying to go against God, but instead to go with what God has want us human to do.
Haha, alrite, things like this I shouldn't write much, because I am not an academician or scholars. There are more people worth listening to compared to a mere, laymen person like me.
Anyway, enjoy to be in search of meanings!