I want to bleed and feel alive. Float in the quantum of time and have no rush over chasing the leaving bus because time is me, and me is the infinite time. I want to savour the phenomenon of non existence. The caca merba of tulisan. Putting up random words of no meaning. I think that's been vitally me nowadays. Haha..
Hey.. are you the soul that has visited the dark abyss of life? Where you struggle to get over the tangled spider's cob-web, but never able to do so until time dissolves it? Have you lick the the strawberry taste of life, and taste the drops of dirty drainage?
Have you, have you had something that drive you madly in love?
Have you, have you hurt so badly that you don't know yourself anymore? Like losing your poise, your calmness, your confidence in the world. Everything is so distorted.
It hurts like nothing can tell you. You want to cry, but do not want to mistake yourself with weaklings. You cry anyhow when the filling is just to full. You have disappointed many people, it's okay, maybe, it's just you who can't deliver the expectation. Or maybe it is just you who is full of idiocacy to believe that you are just as smart-ass as many others; when you are actually just some asses. You can't even comprehend yourself as much as you can't comprehend the world.
World is so harsh to let me know that I got no more potential, no more talent at any of those things I love doing, when just in the past few years of living, I drive life just well enough. She World let me know my stupidity all at once. Like the whole world is turning down just completely in short months. It's too abrupt.
I want to badly believe I still got something to hold on. But I have put all the many effort and time that I can afford, to ignore how worthless I am. It's not worth to believe myself. It's a waste of time, it's a waste of heart.
Dreams hurt. Expectations cut. Believe betrays.
Tell me in what way can I do to get back to my own self, or at least the old self that has hope over seeing a better future? I have do almost everything I possibly could to get back to a stable state of emotion. I have met people to get some of their wisdom, but words mean less nowadays because all I'm hearing is the same advices that I have adhered or tried, and failed. Books, Internet, People. I have explore the many places I could. See many things I should and I should not. Know things that are bearbly useless, or useful but not helping. It hurts to have heard someone say, try new things. When I SHOULD have get scared earlier on so that I wouldn't get broken this much. I could have protected myself, from a blatant belief that I can do.
Life hurts. People hurt me, I hurt them back. Except... it's not the same people. Hey, Im sorry but I learn not to apologise.
This world has offered me good people for me to love. I love them. The thought of them hurts me.