Wednesday, 20 May 2015

I keep going to the river to pray
'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain
I spend her love
Until she's broke
Inside
Tak apa. Kita ini dari dunia yang berbeza. Melihat dunia di tempat yang berbeza. Masakan sama sarat hati yang dikandung.

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Aku rasa lebih bahagia tidak meletakkan harapan begitu tinggi. Menjadi aku yang telah aku impikan. Seadanya. Jiwa tak kusut. Hak Tuhan lebih terjaga, Cuma entahlah destinasi mana yang cuba dia tuju. Kali ini aku akan ikut alur jalan, tidak akan cuba membelakangi lagi. Melawan itu jiwa muda, tapi nanti hati bergelora, tak ke mana juga. Mengikut alur itu menurut aku, adalah jalan yang lebih bijak.  Nanti-nanti kita tengoklah ke mana ia akan pergi. Aku mahu berehat daripada memberi beban harapan pada diri. "If I really got that talent, I know it will drive me somewhere." Iya, kali ini aku berjiwa instinctive. Lebih daripada biasa.

Pilihan aku ini, walaupun tidak mulia, biarlah menjadi persoalan antara aku dan Tuhan sahaja. Aku berhak memilih.

Kupohon ampun atas keputusanku, yang tidak dapat mengambil kira perkara yang tidak aku ketahui.

Friday, 15 May 2015

Reaching the Terminal

Hey, Greetings.
 :)

I know the readers of my blog is very little, plus I've only been doing some virtual mumbling here... which serve no beneficiary for people to read. Therefore, those who have been keen to read this blog, I pay my tremendous appreciation. To friends who have been worry sick about me, thanks! But this is small Asma' going through her turbulance phase in life. It has been more than 3 dis-hearthening years of grief and confusion. And even though, my life is far than over ( If God's will, I have many many years to live), I have the conviction that my Quarter-Life crisis is reaching its end, which also means a start of new phase in my life.

I cant afford to repay the kindness and support. All those words, presence and thoughts.
I could die bloated thinking how bersyukur I am for this phase. Although it was far from what I believed, I rip a lot of wisdom that I thought wouldn't potentially be in this journey.

Alhamdulillah. And Thanks. 

Tribute to the Wonderful People Who Have Hurted and then Inspired me.

-Asma'.

Monday, 11 May 2015

I know I gotta hate less people. I know I should welcome more people into my life. I should resist less in life. I should share my story more with people. I should celebrate more people. I should talk to more people. I should feel less intimidated. I should hate myself less for being too baik or lembut. I should be less baik to people at the same time, that's only give help when they need. I should love myself more. I should encourage myself more. I should belief in myself more. I should defend myself more. I hate them. I should I should I should.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

V (V for Vendetta Kinetic Typography)

One of the most Bveautiful craft of words!  Voilah~
Words in written form is the voice of the sorrow to savour the freedom of existent feelings in which world do not want to hear it speaks. Optimism drives our world and life, but in every heart they will be the grief that decides to stay. In what way can we tell people the crying of the heart if it is not here? In what way a shameful feeling can feel free form being suppressed if not in a place where freedom is its natural being. Words has the power to empty the cup of sorrow; and even if words cannot change the world for a promised betterment, it offers an avenue to spill out those sadness we want not.

I need answers, but I refuse (malaih) to seek.

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

X Tahu

I want to bleed and feel alive. Float in the quantum of time and have no rush over chasing the leaving bus because time is me, and me is the infinite time. I want to savour the phenomenon of non existence. The caca merba of tulisan. Putting up random words of no meaning. I think that's been vitally me nowadays. Haha..

Hey.. are you the soul that has visited the dark abyss of life? Where you struggle to get over the tangled spider's cob-web, but never able to do so until time dissolves it? Have you lick the the strawberry taste of life, and taste the drops of dirty drainage?

Have you, have you had something that drive you madly in love?

Have you, have you hurt so badly that you don't know yourself anymore? Like losing your poise, your calmness, your confidence in the world. Everything is so distorted.

It hurts like nothing can tell you. You want to cry, but do not want to mistake yourself with weaklings. You cry anyhow when the filling is just to full. You have disappointed many people, it's okay, maybe, it's just you who can't deliver the expectation. Or maybe it is just you who is full of idiocacy to believe that you are just as smart-ass as many others; when you are actually just some asses. You can't even comprehend yourself as much as you can't comprehend the world. 

World is so harsh to let me know that I got no more potential, no more talent at any of those things I love doing, when just in the past few years of living, I drive life just well enough. She World let me know my stupidity all at once. Like the whole world is turning down just completely in short months. It's too abrupt.

I want to badly believe I still got something to hold on. But I have put all the many effort and time that I can afford, to ignore how worthless I am. It's not worth to believe myself. It's a waste of time, it's a waste of heart. 

Dreams hurt. Expectations cut. Believe betrays.

Tell me in what way can I do to get back to my own self, or at least the old self that has hope over seeing a better future? I have do almost everything I possibly could to get back to a stable state of emotion. I have met people to get some of their wisdom, but words mean less nowadays because all I'm hearing is the same advices that I have adhered or tried, and failed. Books, Internet, People. I have explore the many places I could. See many things I should and I should not. Know things that are bearbly useless, or useful but not helping. It hurts to have heard someone say, try new things. When I SHOULD have get scared earlier on so that I wouldn't get broken this much. I could have protected myself, from a blatant belief that I can do. 

Life hurts. People hurt me, I hurt them back. Except... it's not the same people. Hey, Im sorry but I learn not to apologise.

This world has offered me good people for me to love. I love them. The thought of them hurts me.