Salam internet. Today I make the effort to literally type down my recount, instead of letting it imagining itself being typed in my imaginary blog site in my head. I wish more than ever to sort things out in my life. I hope writing can do some part of it.
What's important today is that I ask a friend (Syiro, the name we usually called her) a favour.. I told her, “do your friend who is having her existential crisis a favour. Describe me. haha” More or less it doesn't sound like that though.
And bless this friend, she amazingly gave me her acute opinion on what she think of me. Ironically she understand me so much, that she gave me a very close account of what I myself feel. I like her in many ways. She is one of the many people whom I can enjoy sitting down talking about some random/not so random stuff over books and coffee. Majorly, our passion is almost the same (Haha I know she won't agree tho).
I'm gonna quote her saying. Through out life, been asking people their honest advices for me, I've never had something so directed right on my forehead like this one I had today.
“to be honest, im quite dissappointed.”
“as you are 'growing', makin kelam semacamnya.”
“sampai tak boleh nak pick one point”
“tak sabar nak tengok awak move on”
Haha, yaya. I know the terror of selectively picking up sentences for quoting. X) Her messages sound a lot terrible here than what it already is.
I have been living my life trying to justify to people ( who don't even ask for it) what I can do in my life. Certain expectations which I presumed people have on me, I took a bunch lots of them and tried to swallow them. My mouth ain't that big to fit them all, nor my oesophagus and stomach. I've carrying the burden through out my life, willingly. It has come the time where the only expectations I'm going to meet is no one.
To tell you some stories, the last time, I was watching a movie. Fast Furious 4. Playing the movie backward from the 7th.that I watched twice in cinema. Brian and Mia was talking in a conversation (apparently).
“Maybe you are lying to yourself. Maybe it's not you being a good guy, pretending to be a bad guy. But it's you the bad guy, pretending you are the good guy.”
Hah. Something like that, Mia said.
I don't know how to tell you how exactly that words coming out from Mia's mouth really true to my side. I feel like through out my entire life where I try to be some sort of hero in the islamic sphere. I had always been dreaming of being someone like Dr. Harlina Siraj or any iconic female muslim that are so-called massive contributer to society. I tot I was a nice person. But maybe, my aim is not much about being the contributer myself. But to get the feeling of self-worth and fame. I know now that I was just a little kid when I dreamt something so small.
I had been trapped in depression (ironic I admit it today, because I never admitted I was depressed), holding on the belief that studying overseas is my fancy. How can the lame local university nurture my life?
When I looked back to my life, the greatest failure of the centuries is the frienship I had with a friend, whom I fancy her much. I didn't know how too express how I appreciated her being in my presence, not that I also know how to not be jealous with the opportunity she has not just to study overseas, but not getting PLKN. She tried to reconnect with me after school. I tried to reconnect too, but my inner green-eyed monster suppressed the joy of having her a round as the best of friend. I regretted this much until today. And this failure has kept me thinking low of myself as someone who was very terrible in the bond of frienship. Thinking about it sometimes can be like a flush of flood coming in, recounting how bad I was in being a person and a friend.
I didn't know how to have fun like she does. I had to admit I enjoyed movies and songs. But during that time, I tot those things are “lagha”. I felt shame of liking it, I therefore never admitted once or tried to understand any. Of course I was also largely judgemental. I judged her. I judged people. And I judged myself.
I do thinkings like many, but I also have my subspecialty that is to overthink. My topics of interest is majorly odd because I tend to like facts and events that are not directly related to my life/not related at all. Things like ideologies, ideas, news. Mostly are islam-related. Long story made short, I had problems with it because Ive made myself highly prejudiced, confused at certain aspect of the thinking and a bit overwhelmed over my own belief. And I don't live like average teens so. And I felt left out. (My saint version would say : At the end of the day, I couldn't convey the message to them because I am different. Therefore I have to make them think we have similar interest by indulging the things they do as well. -pfffftt)
So to tell you, this few years we haven't met, haven't heard stories of each other, I've been making effort to collect the broken pieces of myself and to reconstruct them. I've also been making effort to be less judgemental by admitting I do things that people do too. And instead of being close up, I try to be open. I go to cinema, go for hot brand latte, fancy the food, the beverages, some shoes and some clothing and some gadgets and some movies, some songs, some celebrities, some arts..
But my problematic squeal come here, that I ve been doing it too much. I felt God has betrayed me. I left Him out in my quest to find myself and what's important to my life. I left Him out because it hurts so much. I go on with wild life, so to say. Though it's not wild in term of me taking ice or marijuana or something. But I leave the so-called “sacred” life. And holy moly,who cares about it anymore.
I aint a nice person. Inner, outer.
Maybe, it's best to admit what I am really am. Like I have flaws, I need to constantly remake my days. Rather than to pretend being good because I have the thought of “saving” the humanity.
When Syiro gave me her advice, I feel like I really need to settle down. I already know what's right and what's wrong ( I had a large confusion over this). I should be able to decide the morale I should go on with, now.