...I am scared of this of this, because whenever we attach ourselves on something, it's gonna hurt us so badly when a twisting plot come, and we be betrayed. I have tasted enough of my own salinated tears in life to bear more tragedy if ever to come.
I need someone to tell me, loud and clear out what is wrong with myself and my diverted thinking. I badly want to live a normal life, do normal thinking. I seriously just one some self-acceptance.
We live in world where we don't accept weaklings. We don't like people to be depending on us, not even emotionally. We tot there are excessively pemalas or losers in life. At times we care about helping unfortunate people, the anak yatim, gelandangan, people succumb to poverty and the likes. But little that we see people around us, friends, society members, that emotionnally need that support, and we put them off away thinking that they have been drowning into their own emotion unnecessarily. And we tot we are saint enough to be thinking of fixing the societal problem, when we ignore someone close enough out of our egoism.
I cried for help here and there. For years. Not because I do not want to wake up from my own hallucinated, depressing world. I WANT TO FIND A WAY OUT. But I cannot figure out how. I have problem dealing wih my own self, voicing out my own thoughts in a right way or just fitting in with people.
I had made myself brave enough to try out everything in life. To live a life with the so-called no-regret notion. I jumped myself into many things I wanna do during my earlier life in my first-year graduate. And my broken bones are explosively broken over that act. I am even more traumatised by events in my previous life. I speak very little nowadays, draining out of energy. I hate people much for their ignorance that someone like me could have be having very bad life experiences. I trusted many people, and that many people are those who ditch away my trust into the air as if I have no value.
As if “baik” is the definition of weakness.
Lemah lembut. Baik. Too soft. Damn those words coming from their mouths.
I never like being called baik. Or being tot as someone who is baik. Because I used to have a friend who think I was the kind of baik girl. Outer character, appearance, by first impression might seem very baik to many people. But because she was very close to me, and she was someone who know me in and out. And when those moment I dont behave myself well, ignore her, and had all sort of negative characters toward her, she always described me to people that I was baik only outerly. And the tone in her voice, made me know that she was deeply hurt by me. I realise what's wrong with me is that people feel I am betraying them for having such a kind look at the outside, but contently I am dark and evil.
I badly don't want to be BAIK for the thought against dissappointing people I love again. So stop thinking me so. Please.
People used to say that, at the end of a tunnel, there will always be light. You should come to a life in which you believe in so much. And just by the next few weeks or so, you realise there's really nothing much you can do to fix your life towards betterment other than surviving a life each day as a day. And light is not always there. Some times it come, sometimes it wont. If at the end of every tunnel come the light, would we see people die suffering?