Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Eff-eil




(I hope much that my look could be less deceiving to people)

Life has been extremely tough nowadays. Im not trying to be exclusive. I know others having it hard too.

I have never seen myself this happy. Its not like I have rarely been happy, but I dont usually capture the moments. This one pun, luckily it was Sara who do the snapping.

I have hard time defining my own self. Like people call(ed)me baik or sth whilst I know I am not that baik or anyhow innocent. I know adult stuff too. And I know how not pure the world is. We all live in a very exposed world. I used swearing words now and then, just to show how rough I am (thats how desperate i am kah3). Or just to satisfy oneself when I get a lot piss off. Its another way to say that "whats ur saying is bulls***" or that "I dont f care about what you say."

I dont quite remember any hadith or quranic verse that say Muslim should not be swearing. If there any, please remind me again.

I think some people don't quite use swearing becausee its too offensive, a taboo or that people just cant tolerate honesty.

But I know people like me just dont easily get to fit in with people easily, unless I put myself down. I have problem putting myself down.  Its not that I dont want to, but people like to degrade me in many ways especially when they say "You ni baik sangat." And to avoid being degraded again, or being verbally bullied, I distance myself, put a dark circling aura around me and cold persona with people I despise. I guess at certain point they are true. The "baik" me is aka "lembik". I was very allergic with muslimah yang lembik because I dont think they can manage to rise up in this challenging global world. But now I doubt that I am not pointing it to my own self.

I was baik because I don't play rough with people. I dont usually increase my voice volume when speaking. I dont do extreme prank. I don't say "bangang", "tumbuk satgi","nak penampaq?" Which I used to say during childhood but stopped when I know I am growing up to becoming a woman. I am quite certain that I need to try to use it back.

So, you want to play the game your way? Lets get rough.

Saturday, 18 April 2015

The Myth of Light At The End Of Every Tunnel

...I am scared of this of this, because whenever we attach ourselves on something, it's gonna hurt us so badly when a twisting plot come, and we be betrayed. I have tasted enough of my own salinated tears in life to bear more tragedy if ever to come.

I need someone to tell me, loud and clear out what is wrong with myself and my diverted thinking. I badly want to live a normal life, do normal thinking. I seriously just one some self-acceptance.

We live in world where we don't accept weaklings. We don't like people to be depending on us, not even emotionally. We tot there are excessively pemalas or losers in life. At times we care about helping unfortunate people, the anak yatim, gelandangan, people succumb to poverty and the likes. But little that we see people around us, friends, society members, that emotionnally need that support, and we put them off away thinking that they have been drowning into their own emotion unnecessarily. And we tot we are saint enough to be thinking of fixing the societal problem, when we ignore someone close enough out of our egoism.

I cried for help here and there. For years. Not because I do not want to wake up from my own hallucinated, depressing world. I WANT TO FIND A WAY OUT. But I cannot figure out how. I have problem dealing wih my own self, voicing out my own thoughts in a right way or just fitting in with people.

I had made myself brave enough to try out everything in life. To live a life with the so-called no-regret notion. I jumped myself into many things I wanna do during my earlier life in my first-year graduate. And my broken bones are explosively broken over that act. I am even more traumatised by events in my previous life. I speak very little nowadays, draining out of energy. I hate people much for their ignorance that someone like me could have be having very bad life experiences. I trusted many people, and that many people are those who ditch away my trust into the air as if I have no value. 

As if “baik” is the definition of weakness.

Lemah lembut. Baik. Too soft. Damn those words coming from their mouths.

I never like being called baik. Or being tot as someone who is baik. Because I used to have a friend who think I was the kind of baik girl. Outer character, appearance, by first impression might seem very baik to many people. But because she was very close to me, and she was someone who know me in and out. And when those moment I dont behave myself well, ignore her, and had all sort of negative characters toward her, she always described me to people that I was baik only outerly. And the tone in her voice, made me know that she was deeply hurt by me. I realise what's wrong with me is that people feel I am betraying them for having such a kind look at the outside, but contently I am dark and evil.

I badly don't want to be BAIK for the thought against dissappointing people I love again. So stop thinking me so. Please.


People used to say that, at the end of a tunnel, there will always be light. You should come to a life in which you believe in so much. And just by the next few weeks or so, you realise there's really nothing much you can do to fix your life towards betterment other than surviving a life each day as a day. And light is not always there. Some times it come, sometimes it wont. If at the end of every tunnel come the light, would we see people die suffering?

Sunday, 12 April 2015

The tale of Syiro Miro

Salam internet. Today I make the effort to literally type down my recount, instead of letting it imagining itself being typed in my imaginary blog site in my head. I wish more than ever to sort things out in my life. I hope writing can do some part of it.

What's important today is that I ask a friend (Syiro, the name we usually called her) a favour.. I told her, “do your friend who is having her existential crisis a favour. Describe me. haha” More or less it doesn't sound like that though.

And bless this friend, she amazingly gave me her acute opinion on what she think of me. Ironically she understand me so much, that she gave me a very close account of what I myself feel. I like her in many ways. She is one of the many people whom I can enjoy sitting down talking about some random/not so random stuff over books and coffee. Majorly, our passion is almost the same (Haha I know she won't agree tho).

I'm gonna quote her saying. Through out life, been asking people their honest advices for me, I've never had something so directed right on my forehead like this one I had today.

“to be honest, im quite dissappointed.”

“as you are 'growing', makin kelam semacamnya.”

“sampai tak boleh nak pick one point”

“tak sabar nak tengok awak move on”

Haha, yaya. I know the terror of selectively picking up sentences for quoting. X) Her messages sound a lot terrible here than what it already is.

I have been living my life trying to justify to people ( who don't even ask for it) what I can do in my life. Certain expectations which I presumed people have on me, I took a bunch lots of them and tried to swallow them. My mouth ain't that big to fit them all, nor my oesophagus and stomach. I've carrying the burden through out my life, willingly. It has come the time where the only expectations I'm going to meet is no one.



To tell you some stories, the last time, I was watching a movie. Fast Furious 4. Playing the movie backward from the 7th.that I watched twice in cinema. Brian and Mia was talking in a conversation (apparently).

“Maybe you are lying to yourself. Maybe it's not you being a good guy, pretending to be a bad guy. But it's you the bad guy, pretending you are the good guy.”

Hah. Something like that, Mia said.

I don't know how to tell you how exactly that words coming out from Mia's mouth really true to my side. I feel like through out my entire life where I try to be some sort of hero in the islamic sphere. I had always been dreaming of being someone like Dr. Harlina Siraj or any iconic female muslim that are so-called massive contributer to society. I tot I was a nice person. But maybe, my aim is not much about being the contributer myself. But to get the feeling of self-worth and fame. I know now that I was just a little kid when I dreamt something so small.


I had been trapped in depression (ironic I admit it today, because I never admitted I was depressed), holding on the belief that studying overseas is my fancy. How can the lame local university nurture my life?


When I looked back to my life, the greatest failure of the centuries is the frienship I had with a friend, whom I fancy her much. I didn't know how too express how I appreciated her being in my presence, not that I also know how to not be jealous with the opportunity she has not just to study overseas, but not getting PLKN. She tried to reconnect with me after school. I tried to reconnect too, but my inner green-eyed monster suppressed the joy of having her a round as the best of friend. I regretted this much until today. And this failure has kept me thinking low of myself as someone who was very terrible in the bond of frienship. Thinking about it sometimes can be like a flush of flood coming in, recounting how bad I was in being a person and a friend.

I didn't know how to have fun like she does. I had to admit I enjoyed movies and songs. But during that time, I tot those things are “lagha”. I felt shame of liking it, I therefore never admitted once or tried to understand any. Of course I was also largely judgemental. I judged her. I judged people. And I judged myself.


I do thinkings like many, but I also have my subspecialty that is to overthink. My topics of interest is majorly odd because I tend to like facts and events that are not directly related to my life/not related at all. Things like ideologies, ideas, news. Mostly are islam-related. Long story made short, I had problems with it because Ive made myself highly prejudiced, confused at certain aspect of the thinking and a bit overwhelmed over my own belief. And I don't live like average teens so. And I felt left out. (My saint version would say : At the end of the day, I couldn't convey the message to them because I am different. Therefore I have to make them think we have similar interest by indulging the things they do as well. -pfffftt)


So to tell you, this few years we haven't met, haven't heard stories of each other, I've been making effort to collect the broken pieces of myself and to reconstruct them. I've also been making effort to be less judgemental by admitting I do things that people do too. And instead of being close up, I try to be open. I go to cinema, go for hot brand latte, fancy the food, the beverages, some shoes and some clothing and some gadgets and some movies, some songs, some celebrities, some arts..


But my problematic squeal  come here, that I ve been doing it too much. I felt God has betrayed me. I left Him out in my quest to find myself and what's important to my life. I left Him out because it hurts so much. I go on with wild life, so to say. Though it's not wild in term of me taking ice or marijuana or something. But I leave the so-called “sacred” life. And holy moly,who cares about it anymore.


I aint a nice person. Inner, outer.


Maybe, it's best to admit what I am really am. Like I have flaws, I need to constantly remake my days. Rather than to pretend being good because I have the thought of “saving” the humanity.

When Syiro gave me her advice, I feel like I really need to settle down. I already know what's right and what's wrong ( I had a large confusion over this). I should be able to decide the morale I should go on with, now.

No wonder in Christianity they have priest. You confess your sins. and it feels a slight relief.

Off.