Sunday, 29 March 2015

Cheers to the Truth yet to be found!

I wish no more than to be able to take charge of my own self. Like knowing how to properly express my feelings and inner thoughts, so that I can peacefully live in this world without having to suppress what inside. The language is too incomprehensible that I take times before I myself can decipher. I want to think simple. Never to complicate things. I want happiness and peace.

I have never been more confused more than I am today. I have never been indecisive of what and how to see life more than I am today. To say that I have much to see, of course only moderately. I am just at the beginning of my life. I was a little girl. And when I was a little girl my brain was meek. I only absorbed what I was taught to absorb, while the peculiar others are usually eradicated off my mind. I was angel, although only by the outer look. I was evil inside, and when I thought about my ownself, I feel like crying because I feel the burden of not to think about myself. Narcissistic. But how can I not to think of my ownself when I am merely a human.

I want to find truth amongst the clouds of delusion. But truth is a just ball of reality, a jumble of truth and faulth.

Monday, 9 March 2015

hey :) series : I feel

I feel ( yes,I can only say ”I feel “ not “I think” because Im not very sure of what my subconscious mind has decided).
When I was in high school where my teacher described me as “gullible” , the word stuck in my head up till now even after years passed. I know she did not mean it in a bad way. But, truly, is there anybody who like the connotation of being “gullible”, “innocent”, “pure”? When it’s more likely, the subtle meaning is, these people are the least experience and knowledgeable about life. I mean, yes, it is nice to see, it is nice to get in touch with, but like glasses are, it’s fragile. Upon not expecting, and not know how to expect life is, it is easy to lurk into the dark realm of ugly truth. No babies can not which is moth, which is butterfly.

Islamist, as I may call them, always like the idea of women who are in a glass cupboard. Like jewellery, protected from the outer being that may erode them. Shall they be in a crowd, they will still be protected. As people can only see them from afar, people will find more interest on the women even more, as the more you are “mysterious” the more high up your “values” are. But yet, as a feminist myself (not a western feminist, just one of the average females who thought they are feminist just because they do simple fight up for women), what-the-fishy-fist that  a “muslimah” has to care so much about what her counterpart is thinking of her?? What sort of liberation is Islam giving? Yes we wear hijab and loose (and beautiful) clothing to veil ourselves as to follow Allah’s decree, but why do we symbolise hijab as hijab-ing other part of woman’s existence such as her character? You dont always need to symbolise everything to everything else, because the logic... just does not make sense.
I was the kind of people who thinks like that (the above). I still respect those kind of opinions, as I believe everyone got to entitle to their own thoughts of particular issues. But I still want to play my part of contemplating what I think does not suit much in the social sphere, at least, of where I am in. As someone who believed in those sort of doctrination of “how ideal muslimah should one be”, I suffered a lot of time succumbing to the fear of not being the “muslimah” that Allah loves, afraid of getting into new social group (outside the islamic circle) because they are opened (and laughing hard) and that offended me, afraid of getting a bit wild and out of norm just because it does not feel “appopriate”, “polite”, “the right path”. I used the word “ succumb” since I realise it’s partly because my own complexity who has been dealing with her inferiority. The more I listen to my inner voice
(which has cause me to fearfully cross the “muslimah” border I used to have) , the more I find where I belong. Able to settle down. To be at peace with the ongoing life in which I can both confidently and humbly acknowledge my weaknesses and strengths. I need not the be perfect. I need not to feel entitled to certain set of clothing or behaviour. Just enough with the huge range of freedom Allah has give us. And the sense of belonging is the only feeling that can offer us happiness in life. That is, to my knowledge, a great syukur. Alhamdulillah.

PS: Jeez, I feel  a lot loser to find this out only after everyone else has known about it since forever.