Saturday, 10 January 2015

It's a pause. A new beginning.

I haven’t prolonged my journey to a far end. Yet, I am deciding to put a halt to my journey of finding. It is to say that when I started to enter medical school, most of my searching journey matter very little to me somehow, when indeed it was something very meaningful to me. Im writing this to remind myself that there was this period of time that she was so concerned about ideology, what to belief, what to be embraced, what is and what not. And the universal value of humanity, the debate about it, the discussions are all very meaningful to me. But as for now, on this date I think she should focus more on her student life in college rather than to think of something that is not understandable by people (not all la, at least people here huhu. I know a lot of friends can understand). At the end, people think she is sort of being pompous of thinking highly or diferently. It could be true in one way or another.  I uphold different values than most people. I am not proud of it. It is distressing how complexly you think while others think of something simple to live up with. But I can’t. Because I was ideologically doctrinated when I grew up, and I can only fix myself back by scrutinizing through all the beliefs I used to have and question the esssence of it. 

I have gone through a very juicy, meaingful journey during this two year, especially in my days in PASUM. I met Syahirah Hamdan, Kak Amal, Asyihah, Har, Mur, Mar and few others. Those are the only few people who could understand what my complexity was all about. I never good at deciphering facial signals, or body languages. But i could easily capture the rejecting message everyone projecting when I told them of my thinking, which is weird and of something not to be thinking about. It could be my fault too of not being good at explaining. 

Socialising around here, I need to be more outgoing more often than before. Especially when my way of projecting self-image is different from others, I also need to change that. No, I have rarely been a big fan to conform to societal behaviour. It is as if there’s always an automatic trigger in my brain that will always try to object common habits people have. But more than ever today, I feel a big push to try to accept social norm and be human, socialising.
I admit, partly, how I think and behave could be because of my nature-borne shyness (which I am trying to eradicate), also my social awkwardness and largely my egocentrism. And those traits are driving me to seem to bud off from the social circle in the university community. After all, my body act depending heavily on what I am already comfortable with although my brain hardly belive it is right anymore. Any social changes that I need to do, take a lot of times so that I gradually improve.
Good for my happpiness that I am not drape into my feeling anymore. Bad for my thought that I am less critical in seeing things around me. But after all, I feel less urge to get to understand how the world move on anymore because of its less relevancy to my present life. It was taught to me that thinking is important. But , yes yes, I dont find entertaining all those questions can still be enriching to my life any more.
I adore to be in search of meaning. Like in doing something (or anything) they should be a justifying reason that satisfies me of doing it. When I went to orchestra sort of event, I dont go just to get the feel the posh of it, hardly just to show off. It was never intended to be that way. Me and Kak Amal (we plan together to go), we were trying to explore more feelings so that I can experience more of the curves and edges of existence emotions in this world, to get to understand more. Plus, it is also one way to appreciate music. Appreciating music is something that intrigues us, because esp for me as I wasnt that sort of person before. For us, why appreciating music is important because music had historilogical place in Islam’s civilisation which muslim and other hardly want to recognise nowadays.
I see that some people really trying to understand other’s way of thinking. But even people who are so-called to be open/liberal are not that open to accept difference if it is not as open as they are. At the end I realise, openness and the nature of outgoing is different. People can be heck outgoing but not as open to differences with other people culture if those people can’t do thing through their conventional ways.
No, my dear. Im not writing this out of the feeling of superiority. But more out of confusion that i succumbed to, which I will end up by putting off my interest in the pursue of belief and values. I dont find there’s a need of thinking all those anymore. And even if there’s substantial reason why I need to keep engaged with those things, I will do it one day when I have mastery of myself and my social life. That is when nobody will think I am thinking and talking crap as I know how to tell people of my ideas and thinking. But duh, by that moment I might have already lose my sense, and therefore be a person who don’t know much on how to do reflective thinking anymore.
I am writing this for the future me. That I hope she will  begin the journey of pursuing truth again, when she thinks she is ready.
It’s only a pause, not a stop.  A new beginning here to come.

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