Friday, 29 August 2014

Don't ask me again. Period.

I give u reasons why if u get any chance to study overseas, take a pre-oversea programme, u shud grab the chance. I will tell  you because I dream of it so direly and didn't get the chance.  Not even looked at, even though I have put much efforts in my entire school years to get access to a wider-horizon of education. My heart is broken into pieces.  I am broken into pieces. 

I decide to put my agony to an end by writing some pieces of my mind before, as you know, I enroll into my first degree. Now, before some people decided to get against me like I should stop complaining my misery when other people is more miserable and even those people who are en routed in their overseas educational journey are also having terrible life even far worse than me, or that stop jealousing, or dont regret your destined fate, or that they are more unfortunate people that I am, or oh, u r so grumpy. Indeed I am because everyone keeps pushing to shell my feeling inside when I never stop wiping my tears for more than a year and half from the date at the corner of the room.  And this one moment, just this one moment I decide to give all out of what I am not satisfied about because this disastrous feeling shud have been erased from anyone's heart or mind. It is, a parasite. I myself won't bear having to know or see people with this feeling. I will directly sympathise anyone that has to abandon their dreams (no, not because I am kind or baik but simply that I damn know how bad it feels). 

I go down the memory lane and realise all the hopes and dreams that I built but never been able to realised it. With dreams all ashing, I wake up, I walk, I think, I read, I write, I cry, all done by not being the same person.

And there was this one period of my time when I was introduced to a bunch of great people with such a variety of individuality. It was a big time to be meeting them and even great that we still keep in touch, like everyday, literally. But my misery intensed up when I was to get to know this big-headed guy who with his ability to speak (or more to write) eloquently keep critically commenting on my practises/thoughts/writing/saying as  if his values and beliefs are all the right while others (particularly me, because he is kind to other people) are deflecting. 

(He will like me writing about him here because he is basically proud with everything that he does so don't worry about how he will perceive this. If he is not that sort of people I wouldn't write it here at the first place.)

But there's more to it than seeing the person (which we still value him as a person who will be wise and great at literature) for a year or almost.  This heck of life has also something to do with having close friends in kmb to keep updating me of what is it feel to be there. I like the struggle,  I like the hecticness, I like the play, I like the bunch of works assignments projects that they get. Not entirely because I like the tedious schedule by itself, but because the subjects range is not fully specified like one I had in asasi sains programme in which I only get to learn sciences (even though extensive) while they get to learn extra subjects like economy, literature, languages, a little bit of philosophy, etc.  So it is like a compensated education to what I dont get to learn in high school, and to knowing people that I don't get to meet before. And to get mess up in such a jumble of wonderful work is an experience we don't get in a non-world-class educational institution (mind you I don't get easily impressionable by the 'world-class' title only by reading an ib promo in its website).

I am soon to be venturing into medical field. In which by now, after so many months occupied to be reflecting and new interest also grows, I come to realise that if I were to get a chance to explore into any field of knowledge and skills without any restriction of budget fee/time consumption/location/educational background/natural talent, I wouldn't intrinsically choose to become a medical practitioner at the very beginning. Medicine is how far my education has exposed me into, to study subjects in school, to get into science and wal-lah, here I am therefore. But to be honest, I wouldn't come to even get any remotely remorsed my choice if it wouldn't because a mishap that happened earlier on, because by then, I wouldn't be keen in an area which I am just a mediocre.

I know that this is such a vanity to be feeling all this, to not be grateful for whatever I have which is by many degrees are very fortunate, and even worse I am to be writing it down here. But not all stories are here, we don't call it a personal journey if we tell everyone everything eh? I try being grateful for what I have and whatnot but it is not as easy because what have stroke me is beyond my own capability to what I understood by Allah's mercy. It is too far-fetched to say that, because indeed I realise it is very very wrong to say one since He must have kept the fortune of every of His slave somewhere they don't expect. I know I'm too rushing to materialise my dream (which is almost no much longer my dream anymore) when Allah knows that it is not the best yet.

thus therefore by writing all this in a blog and publishing it, not wanting to keep into myself anymore (judge me as much as you needed but I am in dire need to end this miserable feeling.)

I rest my case.



And, I rest everyyyyyyyy of this agony from inhibiting my emotion and my mind. Period. 

Thursday, 28 August 2014

#6



Lebih dari 20 draft tulisan tinggal tua dalam fail documents di Words atau tidak pun tinggal saved, not published dalam blog personal. Tidak mengapalah, siapa sahaja yang berbakat melukiskan rupa hati sebentuk sama seperti hatinya sendiri. Bukan saya. Fasal-fasal hati ini lebih terang maknanya jika tidak diceritakan sebulat rupa tetapi dilapik-lapik dengan cerita. Semacam membaca cerpen oranglah. Persoalan yang jarang sekali terjawab ialah apa kisah disebalik kisah itu. 

Cis. 

Saya tidak berniat menulis cerita. Mengarang cerita baik di mulut atau pena memang kelemahan yang aula sekali. Dan saya juga kurang berhajat untuk apa yang saya tulis ini jadi bacaan orang sekalipun, kerana kerasnya pengucapan seorang teman sekelas ini mengingatkan saya untuk tidak berharap ‘entitlement’ dari apa-apa hasil sendiri.

Aneh manusia ni. Sebabnya, yang lagi lunak itulah yang lagi banyak diserang sedangkan yang sedia lunak itu sedia membengkok untuk berubah sekehendak tuan.  

Ah, kalau alang tahu betapa mahalnya harga sebuah pelajaran, ntahkah kita akan memilih untuk tahu atau lebih baik berdungu sahaja. Lagi berat hati lagi lekat ajarannya. Tapi hati yang sarat mendukung sakit cemburu boleh bawa ke mana saja, hanya sedepa bulatan dari tempat berdiri, tidak mungkin ke timur, tidak mungkin ke barat. 

Jugalah saya ini orang yang banyak bingungnya. Kerap jadi  tidak keruan bila idea jauh datang mendekat cuba bertarung dengan nilai hidup sedia ada. Karya-karya manusia ini (biarpun pengetahuan saya hanya sejengkal kail cuma) bawa kami ke satu dimensi lain. Susah nak dikata. Nak ditelan tak cukup sama adatnya, nak diluah rasa asin manis semuanya sudah cukup enak pula untuk dimakan. Tapi itu dululah ceritanya. Makin serik tenggelam dalam lautnya kebingungan dan soal-soalan, makin saya lebih dikit berani berada dalam campuran kandungan airnya. Kerana bila mana kita menenggelam diri dalam air, tidak semestinya kita meneguk sekali airnya. Boleh ditahan mulut seperti ditahan nafasnya. Tetapi tidaklah saya ini lebih berani dan teguh daripada tuan puan yang membaca coretnya tulisan ini. Cuma hanya membandingkan diri saya yang dulu-dulu. 

Jujurnya, dalam kematangan menilai kehidupan (tidak lebih matang dari tuan, hanya membandingkan dengan saya dulu), makin tahu cerita manusia makin buntu mahu ikut neraca yang diberikan dalam madrasah agama yang bersifat literalis. Saya mendapat jalan yang susah dalam melangkah ke dimensi baru, tidaklah bagi kebanyakan orang yang sedia faham tabiat manusia. 

Kadang saya tidak tahu apakah saya dulu itu seperti anak-anak jiwanya. Mudah benar merasa kagum pada sekecil-kecil hal sekalipun. Kids are impressionable. Itulah agaknya saya yang dulu dari semenjak pandai turun dari buaian hingga ke satu fasa remaja kemudian sampai kepada waktu ini. Mudah rasa gah pada yang dilihat bukan sahaja ada kaitannya dengan penyakit ain yang bakal terkena orang, tetapi bahananya juga pada diri sendiri kerana ia boleh mengelabukan pemandangan akal dalam meneracakan sesuatu. Dipandang semuanya baik-baik dan sempurna, diperindah-indahkan pula yang sedia indah. Alangkah malang kaki tersadung. Pun begitu, setiap terjelepok ke tanah jadi pengajaran buat tahu bahawa jalan tidak semuanya rata. Ada kelikir dan batu-batu besar jua hai tuan hamba. 

Antara layar hidup paling tragis setahun dua ini bukan saja pada arti bertuhan dan ketuhanan tetapi juga memahami sunnatullah dalam perjalanan hidup. Fahamlah bahawa bekerja keras sahaja tidak guna. Bukan kudrat manusia merealitikan harapan. Tetapi jika mahu berpandukan kepintaran manusia sahaja, berapa keratkah orang yang boleh maju kedepan. Akhir-akhirnya, yang lahir bijak pandai sahaja yang mendokong lapisan intelektualis. Peluang yang kurang adil pula. Tetapi inipun aneh juga bila kita bekerja keras disangka sombong menjauh diri, tapi bila dia bekerja keras perlulah kita menerima. Paling sakit ialah mengetahui bahawa bermimpi dan berharapan juga punya risiko bencana. Hidup deh. Ada hati yang sudah koyak lusuh seperti kain digasak dengan batu-bataan, ditibai-tibai dengan lidi, direnyok pula dalam baldi.  

Akan masuk degree dalam sehari dua lagi, mahulah saya membawa hati yang baru, yang lebih persih dan suci buat tukaran hati yang amatlah luka akibat menjadi orang dagang bermimpikan beradu istana.  Tetapi tidak mengapalah. Dibatalkan niat bukan sahaja kerana hati baru tak mungkin diperoleh tetapi persih dan kesucian bukan nilai yang perlu untuk hidup. Hati perlu keras, cekal, tegap.

Hai itulah berabainya kehidupan yang menceraikan daging dari tulangnya!