Tuesday, 17 June 2014

#Confusion Infused

"I've been holding this feeling for so long that it swells inside my heart. I tried to tell people i deemed trustworthy enough but the challenge was making people to understand. But I wonder whether I should try making people understand at the first place, because at the end, nobody could embrace the same feeling being in our own shoes.  I tried to seek you out for so many times before, but I was hesitant. It turns out to be I am always in doubt of doing something even though I have decided it as the best. I didn't want you to call me weakling. But now I'm so lost. I want to get right back to the track. And therefore, to put my pride low, it’s the time.

I am one a muslim who is so confused of what type of muslim she should become. She used to devote herself so much to her religion, but it is this that causes her to see her past down, a failure of being a good muslim.

In school,  I almost said to be the so-called angelic girl. Gullible and innocent so they say, yet full with so much spirit that fires up upon religious dogma. Maybe so because I talked about only good things. Some serious stuff. Worried about the condition of the ummah. What dakwah plan is next. What this ahli agama said and how to implement in life. New arguments about fiqh and all. I adhered much to the hadith “ talk good or be silent.” My fondness to hadith and its authentication were tremendous. I took many hours at home flipping through kitab or surfing the internet searching for authentic hadith and any other worthy reading materials. I got indulged much in many ‘fikrah’ books especially those written by hassan albannas, mustafa masyhur, abu’urwah. Also some other books written by famous muslim scholars dedicated for syabab like alqarni’s and imam ghazali’s. And to say, few random others.
I rarely spoke random stories or did crazy jokes with friends. All conversations quite some simple smiles and laughings. (The first out-loud laughing I ever had in my entire life, as so I can recall, was the next day after names of selected PLKN trainees were announced.) I didnt understand why many people wouldn't understand the worry I was in therefore worked the so-called dakwah out together. Because it is “kewajipan yang kita ada lebih daripada masa yang kita punya."

I spent many hours in vehicles, classes, free times thinking how to solve “ummah’s problem- more specifically in school. But whoever did know.  I couldn't really figure out what the problem was that most people around me didn't understand my vision. I thought I should blame myself for not knowing to tell people what I felt. But I'm tired too of blaming myself for lots of occurrence. Because somehow, everything bad happened, as so I believed, boiled down to own self. Hence, I was the one who didn't know how to make it out. But certainly now, I want to quit blaming myself. Because I've tried my best.

I'm confused."

This is a letter I wished to send to someone. But after moments, I know is not that I’m confused. But the truth is hard to be accepted. Therefore never send this to you.

I'm going to work myself out again though. To be human. Not angel. May the journey is blessed.

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